Monday, 27 December 2010

Day 361, on which John becomes a man. A REAL MAN. [27.12.10]

Dag tre hundrede enogtres. Booyah readers, today I turned from a silly card-cutting kid into a REAL GODDAMN MAN. And why? Because I built an IKEA wardrobe, mofos. Hell to the yeah to the floor to the Sweden. OK, well maybe I didn't do it all on my own, and following instructions to put little screws in shitty corkboard pieces isn't exactly a man-building experience. Fair enough. But, 'cause I'm a guy and sometimes I can't stop myself, I enjoyed it and I feel really cool drilling stuff. And I don't usually pride myself in doing that, I don't give a damn how many muscles I have or if I have a cool car, to be honest. Those aren't my priorities in life. Sure, I'll get a car at some point to move stuff about, and sure, I'd like to have some sort of control over it, but it's not top-of-the-list for me. I won't be a 'man' if I get a big car with woofing speakers or whatever. If I have my way, I'd probably get an old eastern European car or Volvo if I can find one, haha. And as for muscles, I think it's safe to say I couldn't give less of a damn. And because I don't go around saying "yo, check out my muscles blah blah blah" leaking testosterone and punching strangers in the face as a greeting, it's OK. Or at least, that's how I like to justify it. I'm fine with my IKEA wardrobe, anywho.

I've started reading through the posts back in January. And oh boy, was I an idiot or what? I think I could've puked over just how much I whined on about snow and whether it was going to snow and what the goddamn MET Office said. I'm trying to keep a record of not puking and I haven't puked for a year or so (which is essential information for you, I'm sure), thus you'll have to believe me when I say I would have puked. January's full of snow references and extremely short paragraphs.

To be honest, I was just experimenting with the format. Not knowingly - it was a totally new thing for me, I'd never blogged properly and regularly before and it took a lot of getting used to. January was the testing ground of this project, it seems, the sandbox. When I found out how the posts were going to take their format, what was going to be in them, and how I was going to write them. My writing voice has evolved a lot over the past year, turning from what I thought was a strong 'improv-writing' style into something that I now consider to be more refined and more me. It's not brilliant, of course not, but I'm still young and I love that it's not totally refined yet. I'm still experimenting, in the sandbox of my life, so to speak. I mentioned this before; this way that kids and teenagers explore their styles and their personalities to pin them down for adulthood. Much like dæmons in the His Dark Materials trilogy, I think they are intended to be a metaphor for this.

It's something which has dominated my thoughts recently, this eventuality of my myriad of interests and styles compressing themselves down to one style and one main interest which I'll keep for the rest of my life. It's a scary thought, but also quite exciting - I can't wait to see what I end up doing, what my designs end up looking like, and if they're successful or not, and what I'm known for. I'm stuck in this stupid position right back here at 16, with everything ahead of me. And, as much as I'd love to time-travel 20 years into the future to meet myself, I don't want it to happen, this compression. Haha, I'm such a stereotype, just like Holden Caulfield in The Catcher in the Rye who doesn't want to grow up. Sure, I want to grow up, but there are strings attached. Perfectly natural behaviour, I'm just a boring hypocrite. Move on.

January was just the start. I hate most of it, but that's natural. I have developed a lot throughout the year - and I had to start somewhere. Let's just be happy I started at all!

~Holden John


Zack said...

A couple years ago as I read Catcher in the Rye I was really reminded of you. Somehow you really remind me of Holden, although I didn't really read the entire book. /Sparknotes

John said...

I'm not sure exactly what to think of that, it's not really a compliment, haha... basically you read a book about a teenager having a total mental breakdown who constantly lashes out at the adult, sane world for being 'phoney', going on a journey of finding his identity and his maturity and place in the world... and was reminded of me. Hmmm.

(You should read the whole book, it's very good.)

Zack said...

I'm not really sure how to word it. Maybe I thought of you because that was when I first joined BrickSpace.

So yeah I could really word it, but not when I hear Catcher in the Rye it is associated with your name.