Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Day 342, on which John writes to Mark Zuckerberg [7.12.10]

Dag tre hundrede toogfyrre. Mucho sorrio about yesterday, guys. Been a bit busy recently, making up for all the work I missed yesterday on the snow days. Gah, annoying stuff, boring stuff, difficult stuff, but whatever the type of stuff it is there wasn't any time for the blog stuff. Now then, I really wanted to continue with the letters, so I had to think of someone topical to send a letter to. Because Arne Jacobsen will have to wait until a time when people don't give a damn any more. Then I thought maybe Julian Assange, but I don't know the whole story on the WikiLeaks thing so I'll leave that to the experts. Just one note on him: he's a very brave guy and apparently he didn't rape that woman. My friend told me he didn't. Therefore he didn't. So shove off, Swedish government.

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,
I don't know much about you, to be honest, Mark. D'you mind if I call you Mark? Just for short? Oh go on, you know you're pleased to be on first-name terms with me. Yes, you can call me John. We can be best buddies. And you can give me some shares in Facebook... oh, too early? OK then, we'll leave that for later on in our friendship Markie m'dear. D'you mind if I call you Markie? I think it fits you really well. It would have fitted you much better if Michael Cera played you in The Social Network. Then I'd also like you a lot more. If I were you, I would've pushed that with the producers of the film. Also, when Michael Cera plays you, he does the same song on the guitar that he does at the end of Juno. Only without Ellen Paige, and replaced by that British guy who runs Facebook with you. That'd be one hell of a duet. Then I'd've actutally watched the film.

So yeah, I admitted it. I haven't seen The Social Network. But apparently that wasn't really truthful to your story. I should probably be getting on with the main part of this letter, so I'll ease you in with some compliments. Facebook is probably the best 500-million-user website out there. It takes a lot of skill, and a lot of courage to continue running the site when all 500 million users could turn against you. I signed up for Diaspora, the open-source alternative to Facebook, but they never got back to my application so at the moment I prefer Facebook. Though I do rather like the design of the Diaspora site. Nice and rough. Facebook can be a bit bland sometimes.

Now I get to my argument. Sorry Markie boy, but these new profiles? People don't like 'em. Seriously, if you've even checked the thousands of comments on the Facebook staff blog post about them, most of the top rated comments are criticising them. Why? Because you've removed even less of our freedom and our chances to personalise our profiles. The mini-bio box may have seemed to some confusing, and they didn't know what to put in it, but they sure as hell did put stuff in it and it was very showing about a person. What they wrote in it, who the referenced in it, what they said... call be overintellectualising it, but it was quite interesting what they put. Also I put something very cynical and I liked that. I liked how I could present myself with it. Plus I put my Formspring and MSN addresses there, and now people don't know where to find them.

So Markie, if you could, old chum, put the mini bio box back in, at least. And listen to your users. I like the summary of the people at the top of the profile page, but there are some massive faults in the new profile page and I think you should survey people more before you just make a massive change. Yeah, we don't like change, but we like bad change even less, mate.

Don't forget about those shares, mate.

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